# Math Humor

If you enjoy my webpage you can support it by shopping at amazon through this link. Thank you.

## Reasons my kids (Alexey and Sergei) do not do their homework.

### Physics:

1. I accidentally mixed my homework with my antihomework, and it exploded.
2. The gravitational constant changed sign, and my homework flew away.
3. I tried to build a black hole in my bedroom, when my homework suddenly disappeared.
4. According to Newton's third law, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I was afraid of what my homework could do to me if I worked on it too hard.
5. My Biology homework ate my homework!
6. My Physics homework disintegrated into atoms and fell through my floor to say hello to my neighbors.
7. I can't go against conservation of energy and the minimal action principle.

### Mathematics:

1. I had a constant amount of homework. I tried to derive its purpose, but I got nothing.
2. I assumed that all the homework you assigned me was Abelian, so I thought that I could pass it in and then do it.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook, but I could never reach it.
4. I am sure that I put it inside my Klein Bottle last night, but this morning I could not find it.
5. I locked it in my trunk, but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
6. My little sister cut it into a finite number of pieces, and when I put it back together, I got a proof of the Banach-Tarski Paradox.
7. I did part of it; the part I have left to do, is 0.999999999...
8. My homework is a constructive demonstration of Godel's Incompleteness Theorem. That is, it is possible to assign a homework that cannot be completed.
9. I wanted to, but I couldn't find its Godel Number.
10. I completed my homework, but then I beheld it and saw that it lacked character, personality - there was no "me" in it, so I multiplied it by i, and it became imaginary!

### Programming:

1. I accidentally overwrote my last reference to it, and it got garbage-collected.
2. I accidentally divided by zero and my computer burst into flames.
3. I wrote "pink elephants" as an answer to one of the homework questions, and it threw a null pointer exception.
4. You didn't initialize the essay length, so I defaulted it to zero.
5. My homework made itself read-only, and I didn't have root access.
6. I accidentally wrote "rm -rf /*" on my homework, and it disappeared!
7. My mother redefined my doTheHomework() method with { doTheDishes(); }.
8. I outsourced it to China, but they were sleeping.
9. My homework had a pointer to Civilization III, so I did that.
10. I accidentally invoked my do() method on the laundry instead of my homework.

### History:

1. My homework was exiled to Elba for its crimes, and so I couldn't bring it to school.

## Miscellaneous:

1. I didn't have enough Vespene gas.
2. My grade is irrelevant, my homework is futile.
3. Those nasty hobbitsess stoless it from us, precioussss...
4. I suffered a Memory Lapse, and it ended up on top of my library.
5. I started my homework, but it became more powerful than I could ever imagine.
6. I accidentally pressed the self-destruct button, but the cancellation button was out of order.
7. My homework was consumed by the power of the One Ring, and it no longer submitted to my will.
8. There is no homework.
9. I was thinking of the top ten reasons as to why I didn't do my homework.

Note: If you want to find out where some of these miscellaneous quotes come from, click here for joke explanations.

## My teacher said

### Math teacher:

* * *

This is obvious, but the fact that this is obvious is not obvious.

* * *

Assume, for the sake of clarity, that that yellow cube is a blue sphere.

* * *

Some day you would go shopping and a store clerk would ask you Gauss-Ostrogradsky formula and you won't be able to answer!

* * *

2+3 is 6, sorry 5, I am a little bit ahead.

* * *

Dear students! Remember that money can solve anything! Even complicated differential equations.

* * *

After the constant C approaches infinity...

### Military teacher:

A general shows off a new tank and boasts:
- You see a tank supplied with the most modern computer technology.
- What is the speed of its computer?
- The same as the speed of the tank, of course.

* * *

During a lecture to his students, a military instructor says, "There is a 40% chance that we will hit our target."
One student asks, "What happens if we aim away from the target?"
The instructor replies, "Logically, we would have a 60% chance of hitting the target."

* * *

The boiling point of water inside a tank is 90 degrees... No, 90 degrees is the right angle.

* * *

Who is inclined towards Mathematics? Take the shovels and extract roots.

* * *

Any curve going around your boss is shorter than a straight line passing him.

* * *

Suppose N tanks are moving. No, N is too small — K tanks.

* * *

At the beginning a shell flies by parabola, then by inertia.

* * *

Pump out vacuum from there...

* * *

The population density of USA is 100 square people per mile.

* * *

A colonel teaches air defence at Moscow State University, Math Department. He says "If we try to hit a B-52 with this missile, the probability of success is 5%."
A math student asks: "What if we try to miss?"
The colonel thinks for a while and answers: "Then the probability of a hit is 95%."

## Light Bulb Jokes

* * *

Question: How many complex analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

* * *

Question: How many Banach-Tarsky's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Just one, but you'll end up with an extra light bulb.

* * *

Question: How many Fermats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: 7, but the reason why will not fit in the margin of this web page.

* * *

Question: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

* * *

Question: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

* * *

Question: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: In earlier work, Wiener[1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

* * *

Question: How many mathematical logicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None: They can't do it, but they can prove that it can be done.

* * *

Question: How many numerical analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

* * *

Question: How many classical geometers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None: You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.

* * *

Question: How many analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Three: One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.

* * *

Question: How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: One: with eight research students, two programmers, three post-docs and a secretary to help him.

* * *

Question: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it takes nine years.

* * *

Question: How many topologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot.

* * *

Question: How many software engineers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Answer: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.

* * *

Question: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None, it's a hardware problem.

## Math Jokes

* * * ( added November 2021)

I surveyed many people who had played Russian roulette. Seems like the probability of dying is actually 0%.

* * * ( added November 2021)

What has the probability of one in five million?
Zero: there's no 1 in 5000000. Only a five and six zeros.

* * * ( added November 2021)

Two classmates:
—What did you think of our probability exam yesterday?
—All means to an end.

* * * ( added November 2021)

My classmate didn't study for our test in probability.
"I'll take my chances", he said.

* * * ( added September 2021)

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he must be plotting something.

* * * ( added January 2021)

Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.

* * * ( added December 2020) (submitted by Sergei Bernstein)

I have a Bayesian inference joke but the first three people I told it to didn't laugh and now I'm not so sure it's funny.

* * * ( added April 2020) (submitted by Shavawn Forester)

You have to be odd to be number ONE.

* * * ( added April 2020) (submitted by Ruvim Breydo)

Why did a linear polynomial go back to school?
—To get its second degree.

* * * ( added April 2020)

I am afraid to have children as one day I will have to help them with math.

* * * ( added April 2020)

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention! I hear this year is going to be as big as the last two years put together.

* * * ( added April 2020)

I will live forever. I have collected a lot of data over the years, and in all of the examples, it is always someone else who dies.

* * * ( added April 2020)

When a person tells me, "I was never vaccinated, and, as you can see, I am fine," I reply, "I also want to hear the opinion of those who were never vaccinated and died."

* * * ( added April 2020)

People say that I am illogical. This is not so, though this is true.

* * * ( added April 2020) (submitted by Sam Steingold)

50% of marriages end with divorce. The other 50% end with death.

* * * ( added April 2020)

The wife of a math teacher threw him out from point A to point B.

* * * ( added April 2020)

Factorials were invented to make math look more exciting.

* * * ( added April 2020)

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

* * * ( added April 2020)

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on average he feels fine.

* * * ( added December 2017) (submitted by Sam Steingold)

I can count to 1023 on my 10 fingers. The rudest number is 132.

* * * (added December 2017)

—You promised me 8% interest, and in reality it is 2%.
—2 is 8—to some degree.

* * * (added December 2017) (submitted by Sam Steingold)

Quantum entanglement is simple: when you have a pair of socks and you put one of them on your left foot, the other one becomes the "right sock," no matter where it is located in the universe.

* * * (added December 2017)

Teacher:
—I keep telling my students that one half can't be larger or smaller than the other. Still the larger half of my class doesn't get it.

* * * (added March 2016)

—Honey, we are like two parallel lines.
—Why do you say that?
—The intersection of our life paths was a mistake.

* * * (added March 2016)

—Q: Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
—A: Because it was over 90 degrees.

* * * (added March 2016)

Ancient Roman in a clothing store: How come XL is larger than L?

* * * (added March 2016)

—Which is the odd one out: one, three, six, seven?
—Well, three of them are odd ones.

* * * (added March 2016)

When I am with you, I solve integrals in my head, so that blood can come back to my brain.

* * * (added March 2016)

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

* * * (added December 2016)

Seven has the word even in it, which is odd.

* * * (added March 2016)

With massive loss of generality, let $n=5$.

* * * (added March 2016)

How do you prove a cotheorem? Using rollaries.

* * * (added March 2016)

$0\to A\to B \to C \to 0$. Exactly.

* * * (added March 2016)

Let $\varepsilon\to 0$. There goes the neighborhood!

* * * (added March 2016)

Take a positive integer $N$. No, wait, $N$ is too big; take a positive integer $k$.

* * * (added March 2016)

Calculus has its limits.

* * * (added March 2016)

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

* * * (added March 2016)

There's a marked difference between a ruler and a straightedge.

* * * (added March 2016)

Suppose there is no empty set. Then consider the set of all empty sets.

* * * (added March 2016)

Q: Why is it an insult to call someone "abelian"?
A: It means they only have a 1-dimensional character, and are self-centered.

* * * (added March 2016)

Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

* * * (added March 2016)

A logician rides an elevator. The door opens and someone asks:
—"Are you going up or down?"
—"Yes."

* * * (added December 2015)

—Mike, here are 10 chocolates. Give half of them to your brother.
—OK. I'll give him three chocolates.
—You can't count?
—I can, but he can't.

* * * (added December 2015)

—50%.
—Done or left to do?

* * * (added December 2015)

—Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
—A: An Algorithm.

* * * (added December 2015)

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.

* * * (added December 2015)

—Q: Why shouldn't you argue with a decimal?
—A: Decimals always have a point.

* * * (added December 2015)

—I am cold.
—Go stay in the corner. It's 90 degrees.

* * * (added December 2015)

Arithmetic is the art of counting up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

* * * (added December 2015)

I bought a book online "How to implement an Internet scam." Somehow, though, it's been a while, and I still haven't received it.

* * * (added December 2015)

Sex is a pathetic thrill for losers who are not able to take a triple integral.

* * * (added December 2015)

Paradox: Less money, more need to count it.

* * * (added June 2015)

Do you know a statistics joke?
Probably, but it's mean!

* * * (added June 2015)

Twelve different world statisticians studied Russian roulette. Ten of them proved that it is perfectly safe. The other two scientists were unfortunately not able to join the final discussion.

* * * (added June 2015)

A statistician bought a new tool that finds correlations between different fields in databases. Hoping for new discoveries he ran his new tool on his large database and found highly correlated events. These are his discoveries:

• The most correlated fields were the title and the gender. If the title is Mr., then the gender is male.
• The children have the same last names as parents.
• The children are much younger than the parents.
• The main cause of divorces is weddings.

* * * (added June 2015)

Scientists discovered that the main cause of living 'till old age is an error on the birth certificate.

* * * (added June 2015)

Scientists concluded that children do not really use the Internet. This is proven by the fact that the percentage of people saying 'No' when asked 'Are you over 18?' is close to zero.

* * * (added June 2015)

— Please, close the window, it is cold outside.
— Do you think it will get warmer, after I close it?

* * * (added December 2014)

A button of unknown functionality should be pressed an even number of times.

* * * (added December 2014)

When I tell you that I am closer to 30 than to 20, I mean to tell you that I am 42.

* * * (added December 2014)

A traffic policeman stops a car:
—You're going 70 in a 35 miles-per-hour zone.
—But there are two of us!

* * * (added November 2014)

A mathematical tragedy: two parallel lines fall in love.

* * * (added November 2014)

An amazing magic trick! Think of a number, add 5 to it, then subtract 5. The result is the number you thought of!

* * * (added November 2014)

—How can you distinguish a mathematician from a physicist?
—Ask for an antonym for the word parallel.
—And?
—A mathematician will answer perpendicular, and a physicist serial.

* * * (added November 2014)

—How can you distinguish a physicist from a mathematician?
—Ask the person to walk around a post.
—And?
—A physicist will ask why, and a mathematician clockwise or counter-clockwise?

* * * (added November 2014)

—My five-year-old son knows the first 20 digits of Pi.
—Wow!
— I use it as the password on my laptop, where I keep all the games.

* * * (added November 2014)

I learned three things in school: how to rite and how to count.

* * * (added October 2014)

There are two types of people: those who know nothing about fractals and those who think that there are two types of people: those who know nothing about fractals and those who think that there are two types people…

* * * (added October 2014)

My student couldn't take an integral from my book. So he took the book together with all the integrals there.

* * * (added October 2014)

A mathematician's son:
— Dad, how do I write the number 8?
— That's easy: rotate the infinity symbol by pi over 2.

* * * (added October 2014)

If thoughts converge, they are bounded.

* * * (added October 2014)

Two is the same thing as eight, to some degree.

* * * (added February 2014)

— Can I ask you a question?
— You can, but you have already just done that.
— Darn, what about two questions?
— You can, but that was your second question.

* * * (added February 2014)

A guy is complaining to his mathematician friend:
— I have a problem. I have difficulty waking up in the morning.
— Logically, counting sheep backwards should help.

* * * (added February 2014)

To understand what a recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

* * * (added February 2014)

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please."

* * * (added December 2013)

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

* * * (added December 2013)

The first rule of Tautology club, is the first rule of Tautology club.

* * * (added December 2013)

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently, "So, is it a boy or a girl"? The logician replies, "Yes."

* * * (added December 2013)

This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

* * * (added December 2013)

There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

* * * (added December 2013)

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

* * * (added December 2013)

Q: What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

* * * (added December 2013)

I have two problems: I can't count.

* * * (added December 2013)

Do you want to double your cash?
Hold your money in front of a mirror.

* * * (added February 2013)

Grigori Perelman's theorem: There is no offer you can't refuse.

* * * (added February 2013)

A conversation between two Russians:
— Run to the store and fetch a couple bottles of vodka.
— How much is a couple?
— Seven.

* * * (added July 2012)

Engraved on a mathematician's tombstone: "Q.E.D."

* * * (added July 2012)

—December 26th.
—What year?
—Every year.

* * * (added July 2012)

Teacher: "How much do we get if we cut eight into two halves?"
Student: "Two threes, if we cut vertically; and two zeros, if we cut horizontally."

* * * (submitted by Anonymous, the Great) (added May 2012)

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks them, "Do you all want a drink?"
The first logician, "I don't know."
The second logician, "I don't know."
The third logician, "Yes."

* * * (submitted by anonymous) (added May 2012)

— I used to think that correlation implied causation. I took a statistics class. Now I know that correlation doesn't imply causation.
— Sounds like the class helped.
— Well, maybe.

* * * (added March 2012)

Decimals have a point.

* * * (added March 2012)

By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.

* * * (added December 2011)

Chance is a design carefully planned by someone else.

* * * (added December 2011)

— If a black cat crosses in front of you and then crosses back, what does it mean? Is your bad luck doubled or cancelled?
— Is this a scalar or a vector cat?
— Huh?
— A scalar cat doubles and a vector cat cancels.

* * * (added September 2011)

— Were your parents married when you were born?
— 50%.
— 50%?
— Yes, my father was married and my mother was not.

* * * (added September 2011)

— The reviewer has rejected your paper submitted to our journal because it doesn't contain any theorems or fomulae or even numbers.
— Wait a minute. Your reviewer is mistaken. There are page numbers on every page.

* * * (added September 2011)

Logic: if an empty yogurt container is in the sink, a spoon is in the garbage can.

* * * (added September 2011)

Logically, a wireless mouse should be called a hamster.

* * * (added July 2011)

Not many people know that 1000 chameleons is a chabillion.

* * * (submitted by Michael Chepovetsky)

There once was an X from place B,
Who satisfied predicate P,
The X did thing A,
In a specified way,
Resulting in circumstance C.

* * *

I just learned that 4,416,237 people got married in the US in 2010. Not to nitpick, but shouldn't it be an even number?

* * *

We are happy to announce that 100% of Russian citizens are computer-savvy and use the Internet on a regular basis (according to a recent Internet survey).

* * *

Two math teachers had a fight. It seems they couldn't divide something.

* * *

Do you know that if you start counting seconds, once you reach 31,556,926 you discover that you have wasted a whole year?

* * *

— I am not fat at all! My girlfriend tells me that I have a perfect figure.
— Your girlfriend is a mathematician. For her a perfect figure is a sphere.

* * * (from Naum Bernstein)

An arithmetic teacher calls the student Rabinovich to the blackboard. "It is known that from 1 kilogram of sour cream you can make 200 grams of butter. Imagine, Rabinovich, that your father bought 2 kilograms of sour cream. How much butter can he make?"

"Five hundred grams," Rabinovich replies.

The teacher frowns, "Rabinovich, you do not know arithmetic!"

Rabinovich answers, "Sir, you do not know my father."

* * * (from Naum Bernstein)

An astronomy teacher explains that in the future the Earth will lose its heat energy, continents will collide, and solar radiation will increase. In six billion years life will be extinct. A student looking really scared raises his hand and asks, "In how many years will life become extinct?"

"In about six billion years," the teacher repeats.

"Whew," says the student, "you got me so scared. I thought you said six million."

* * *

A plus is two minuses at each others' throats.

* * *

Moishe, do you know how many cuckolds are there in Odessa not counting you?
What? What do you mean by saying "not counting you"?
Sorry. Okay then, how many counting you?

* * *

At a very prestigious Russian nursery school a teacher talks to a four-year-old applicant.
"Mike, can you count for me?"
Mike counts very fast and with a lot of enthusiasm, "Fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven…"
"Super," says the teacher, "But how did you learn to count backwards?"
Mike replies proudly, "I can heat my own lunch — in the microwave."

* * *

The curl of the curl equals the gradient of the divergence minus the Laplacian. Why do I remember this shit that I never need, but can't remember where I put my keys yesterday?

* * *

In a bike store:
Customer: "Can you show me your finest helmet? I've already spent \$200,000 on my head, so I don't want to take any risks."
Customer: "No, I went to college."

* * *

A topologist walks into a cafe:
— Can I have a doughnut of coffee, please.

* * *

The number of statistics that either make no sense or use ridiculous timescales has dropped over 164% in the last 5.62474396842 years.

* * *

Teacher: What's bigger: 22/7 or 3.14?
Student: They are equal.
Teacher: Why do you say that?!
Student: They are both equal to π.

* * * (submitted by Victor Gutenmacher)

* * *

We know through Erdös that "a mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems". It thus follows by duality that a comathematician is a device for turning cotheorems into ffee.

* * *

Birthdays are beneficial for your health. A new breakthrough statistical study unequivocally proved that the more birthdays one has the longer one lives.

* * *

The only reliable statistics are those you faked yourself.

* * *

Question: Would you like to live for one million years?
Mathematician's Answer: Total or one million years more?

* * *

Without geometry life would be pointless.

* * *

Parallel lines meet if you bend them.

* * *

Salesman: "Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half."
Customer: "Terrific! Give me two of them."

* * *

Relativity — this term means different things to different people.

* * *

If a man tries to fail and succeeds, which did he do?

* * *

God is not all-powerful as he cannot build a wall he cannot jump.

* * *

Question: What did one math book say to the other?
Answer: Don't bother me. I have my own problems.

* * *

Student: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: No, why?
Student: I didn't do my homework.

* * *

— My teacher said we would have a test today, rain or shine.
— Then why are you so happy?
— Because it's snowing.

* * *

Question: How many sides does a box have?
Answer: Two — the inside and the outside.

* * *

Question: What did the calculator say to everyone?
Answer: You can count on me.

* * *

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "The usual, sir?"
Descartes replies: "I think not," and promptly disappears.

* * *

"Do you know that 67% of people are not capable of doing simple arithmetic?"
"I belong to the other 23%."

* * * (submitted by Irene Ogievetskaya)

Teacher: Solve the equation: x + x + x = 9.
Student: x = 3, 3, and 3.

* * *

Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!

* * *

I'm not going to be side-tracked into a tangent.

* * * (submitted by Yury Tabachnik)

A minus is half a plus, but every plus has its own minus...

* * * (submitted by Irene Ogievetskaya)

Teacher: What are whole numbers?
Student: Like 0, 6, 8, 9.
Student: It is half-whole, 1 doesn't have a hole.

* * *

Nothing produces such odd results as trying to get even.

* * *

Question: Why did the mathematician refuse to eat the prime rib?

* * *

- My dear, you love math more than me!
- Of course not, how could you think such a thing!
- Prove it!
- Let A be the set of the objects I love...

* * *

Professor: What is a multiple root of degree 3?
Student: This is a number such that you substitute it once and get 0, substitute it the second time and get 0 again, but when you do it the third time you wont get 0.

* * *

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

* * *

- Did you know that the human brain uses only one third of its capacity?
- Hmm, what does the other third do?

* * *

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

* * *

Question: Why 2 + 2 = 5 like your left foot?

* * *

Question: Why was the math book so depressed?

* * *

Teacher: If you were to add 87,326 and 139,561 - and then multiply by 8, add 9,182 and divide by 7, what would you get?

* * *

Dad: You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Son: Not a bit.

* * *

Teacher: You have ten fingers. If you had three fewer, what would you have?
Student: No more piano lessons.

* * *

Student: I've added these numbers ten times.
Teacher: Good girl.
Student: And here are my ten answers.

* * *

From a resume: Ph.D. in unclear physics.

* * *

Question: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.

* * *

An English mathematician was asked by his very religious colleague, "Do you believe in one God?" The mathematician replied, "Yes, up to isomorphism!"

* * *

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting around a table in a cafe. They are examining a house they see, and they have already deduced that it is empty. Soon, they see 2 people enter the house, and before long, 3 people leave the house. The physicist is baffled, and he says, "This is impossible. The result must be inaccurate!" The biologist replies, "I agree. This is impossible. They must, somehow, be reproducing in there." Then, the mathematician says, "No, no, no. This is all very simple. We started with 0 people. 2 people went in, and 3 went out. Now there must be -1 people left, so if someone goes in, the house will be empty."

* * *

Question: Can 2 + 2 equal 5?
Answer: Yes, for extremely large values of 2.

* * *

Question: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
Answer: To get to the other ... er, um ...

* * *

Question: What is the world's longest song?
Answer: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall".

* * *

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

* * *

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

* * *

- Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
- No, son, it wouldn't be right.
- Well, you could try.

* * *

An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn't care.

* * *

I have always been told that old statisticians do not fade away, but rather are "broken down by age and sex".

* * *

The shortest math joke: let epsilon be less than 0...

* * *

Question: What is the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician?
Answer: An introverted mathematician stares at his own feet while talking to you, while an extroverted one stares at your feet.

* * *

Petr Petrovich and Ivan Ivanovich are two academics who are hammering nails into a wall. Ivan Ivanovich says: "Our industry is making bad nails: they are putting the heads on the wrong side". Petr Petrovich replies: "My good friend Ivan Ivanovich, this is the wrong wall for this nail."

* * *

"The problems for the exam will be similar to the ones discussed in class. Of course, the numbers will be different. But not all of them. Pi will still be 3.14159... "

* * *

The highest moments in the life of a mathematician are the first few moments after one has proved the result, but before one finds the mistake.

* * *

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

* * *

Einstein-Pythagoras equation: E = m(a2 + b2).

* * *

2 and 2 is 22.

* * *

Question: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
Answer: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.

* * *

Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.

* * *

Question: What does the zero say to the eight?

* * *

Problem: Three men entered a cafe and each ordered a cup of coffee. Each man put an odd number of spoons of sugar into his coffee for a total of 14 spoons of sugar. How many spoons of sugar did each man put into his cup of coffee?
Answer: one, one and twelve. You have to agree that twelve is a very odd number of spoons of sugar to put into your coffee.

* * *

Question: What's yellow, linear, normed and complete?

* * *

Question: What is a dilemma?
Answer: A lemma that proves two results.

* * *

Question: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

* * *

It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger then the previous record.

* * *

There are only two kinds of math books. Those you cannot read beyond the first sentence, and those you cannot read beyond the first page.

* * *

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.

* * *

Geometry is the art of coming to true conclusions from wrong-drawn pictures.

* * *

The average person is mean.

* * *

This paper contains many new and interesting ideas. New ideas are not interesting and interesting ideas are not new.

* * *

A mathematician, a physicist and a psychologist are discussing a probability problem:
A coin was flipped 100 times and every time it was heads. What will it be on the next flip?
Physicist:
- The experiment showed that it should be heads.
Mathematician:
- The events are independent — it should be heads with probability 1/2.
Psychologist:
- It will be tails.
- Why?
- After one hundred times of heads, tails would really strongly want to come out.

## Programmer Jokes

* * * ( added September 2021) (submitted by Sergei Bernstein)

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "I'll have three beers please."

* * * ( added April 2020)

At the job interview at Google.
—How did you hear about our company?

* * * ( added April 2020)

Humanity invented the decimal system, because people have 10 fingers. And they invented 32-bit computers, because people have 32 teeth.

* * * ( added April 2020)

Question: Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Answer: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

* * * ( added December 2017)

I kept forgetting my password, so I changed it to "incorrect". Now, when I make a mistake during login, my computer reminds me: "Your password is incorrect."

* * * ( added June 2017)

Don't anthropomorphize computers: They don't like it.

* * * ( added June 2017)

I do not have dreams any more. What did I do wrong to make them delete my account?

* * * ( added June 2017)

How to restore justice: Create a folder named Justice. Delete it. Go to the trash bin and click restore.

* * * ( added June 2017)

An asocial network: When you sign up, you are friends with everyone. Then you send un-friend requests.

* * * (added November 2014)

—Some bike thief managed to open my combination lock. How could they possibly guess that the combo was the year of the canonization of Saint Dominic by Pope Gregory IX at Rieti, Italy?
—What year was that?
—1234.

* * * (added November 2014)

Life is not fair, even among gadgets: the desktop misbehaves, the monitor gets smacked.

* * * (added October 2014)

Russians were the first in the world to create a computer program that passes the Turing test. Scientists tested the program using several Russians with a variety of questions, and each time the program gave the same answer as the people. The reply to every question was, "Go f*ck yourself!"

* * * (added June 2014)

—Honey, have you blocked our computer?
—Yes.
—Our wedding date.
—%?#!!

* * * (added June 2014)

—What's the pin on our card?
—We're on a public chat, honey. Why don't I sms it?
—But I forgot my phone. Please tell me, cupcake!
—Okay. By digit: the second digit of our apartment number, the fourth digit of your phone number, the month of my birthday, and the number of our children.
—Got it. How clever! 8342, right?

* * * (added June 2014)

—Where is the report?
—We are stuck. The tech people took our monitor with passwords.
—What!?!
—Our monitor got broken so the techs took it for repair. Our passwords were written on the stand.

* * * (added February 2014)

The Internet ethics committee worked hard to generate a list of words that should never be used on the Internet. The problem is, now they can't post it.

* * * (added December 2013)

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

* * * (added December 2013)

I just received a call from the delivery man working for the store where I ordered a new GPS device. He got lost and asked directions to my house.

* * * (added December 2013)

- Doctor, I think I have paranoia.
- Why is that?
- Yesterday I left my computer for ten minutes to go to the bathroom, and when I came back all my browser windows were filled with bathroom tissue ads.

* * * (added December 2013)

- Why is your disc drive so noisy?
- It is reading a disc.
- Aloud?

* * * (added December 2013)

* * * (added February 2013)

— Is it true that the Windows operating system was copied from a UFO computer that crashed in Roswell?
— All we know for sure is that the UFO that didn't crash had a different operating system.

* * * (added February 2013)

I saw our system administrator's shopping list. The first line was tomatoes.zip for ketchup.

* * * (added July 2012)

—You act very brave on the Internet. But could you repeat this looking into my eyes?

* * * (added December 2011)

Today I opened my desktop's case and finally understood whither my trash is emptied.

* * * (added December 2011)

Wikipedia: I know everything.
Internet: You are nothing without me.
Electricity: Shut up, jerks.

* * * (added September 2011)

— I started a new life today.
— You quit smoking and drinking?
— No, I changed my email and Facebook accounts.

* * * (added September 2011)

A kyboard for sal: only on ky dosn't work.

* * * (added September 2011)

My computer always beats me in chess. In revenge, I always beat it in a boxing match.

* * * (added September 2011)

Two programmers are talking:
— I can't turn on my oven.
— What's the error message?

* * * (added July 2011)

Our new boss invited everyone to bring their keyboards to his office. He kept the employees who had worn letters and laid off the ones with worn arrows.

* * * (added July 2011)

Who is your favorite computer game character?
The stick from Tetris.

* * * (added July 2011)

We bought a cell phone for our TV set. We attached it to the remote control, so that we can call our TV when the remote is lost.

* * * (added July 2011)

The Internet paradox: it connects people who are far apart, and disconnects those who are close.

* * * (added July 2011)

I am taking my dog to tweet. He'll check other dog's posts at every pole and will leave his comments.

* * *

A: Hi, how are you?
B: +
A: Will you come to classes today?
B: -
A: You will be kicked out!
B: =
A: Are you using your calculator to chat?

* * *

What I need after a visit to the hairdresser is a "Save" button.

* * * (added June 2011)

— Hello! Is this a fax machine?
— Yes.

* * *

Today I saw an ad — "A printer for sale" — handwritten. Hmm.

* * *

What do you call a motherboard on your spouse's computer?
The motherboard-in-law.

* * *

A note posted on the door of the tech-support department:

"Theory — you know everything, but nothing works. Practice — everything works, but nobody knows why. In our department we merge theory with practice: nothing works and nobody knows why.

* * *

Programmers wear red T-shirts to match the color of their eyes.

* * *

We invented the decimal system, because humans have ten fingers on their hands; and 32-bit computers, because humans have 32 teeth in their mouths.

* * *

- What do you do when you see a beautiful girl?

* * *

— Is it true that the Windows operating system was copied from the computer on the UFO that crashed at Roswell in 1947?
— I am only sure that those UFOs that didn't crash had other operating systems.

* * *

Two programmers are talking:
— My wife called me last night, but my modem answered the phone…
— And what happened?
— They chatted for an hour and a half…

* * *

— Wait a miniute, let the computer finish compiling.

* * *

— What do you do to protect yourselves from viruses?
— We use disposable computers …

* * *

Microsoft offers a new service. They sell ad spots in their error messages.

* * *

— I do not care if everyone insists that using the name of my own cat as a password is a bad idea! RrgTt_fx32!b, kitty-kitty-kitty …

* * *

Due to technical difficulties the release of Windows 2000 is delayed until February 1901.

* * *

A census taker asks a programmer:
— What is your native language?
— What do you mean by my native language?
— The language you used since childhood.
— Basic.
— No, I mean your real language.
— Ah! Real! Then C++.

* * *

A doctor looking at patient's X-rays:
— Hmm, multiple hip fractures, tibia and fibula fractures. Oh well, Photoshop can fix all that.

* * *

After learning how much money Bill Gates has, Satan offered him his own soul.

* * *

* * *

Computer science student at a summer job:
- Two hot-dogs, please. One with mustard and the other one without.
- No musturd on which one?

* * *

Question: Why do you update your website so rarely?
Answer: And why do you visit so often?

* * *

Dual-core processor - while one core is asking you the question: "Are you sure you want to delete the selected files?", the second core already deleted everything.

* * *

The most important thing in dealing with computers is not letting them know that you are in a hurry...

* * *

A programmer sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and feels thirsty. Soon, he thinks of a solution. He will leave 2 glasses next to his bed. One full of water, in case he wakes up, and he is thirsty, and one empty glass, in case he wakes up, and he is not thirsty.

* * *

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.

* * *

Question: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Answer: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

* * *

Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

* * *

Two bytes walk into a bar. The first byte turns to the second and says "I think I may have a parity error." The second byte turns to the first and says "yeah, you look a bit off."

* * *

The familiar dot (.) symbol from Internet addresses shall be used on this website to denote the end of a sentence.

* * *

If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution.

* * *

Sometimes, after you comb your hair just right, you have a sudden urge to press Ctrl-X Ctrl-S.

* * *

Hardware: the part of the computer that you can kick.

* * *

All computers wait at the same speed.

* * *

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

* * *

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* * *

Programming is an art form that fights back.

* * *

AI: anything a computer can't do yet.

* * *

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

* * *

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

* * *

Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.

* * *

System Error: press F13 to continue...

* * *

Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.

* * *

Artificial Intelligence usually beats natural stupidity.

* * *

Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface.

* * *

* * *

On the negative side, I've been getting charged for a ton of stuff I didn't order lately. On the positive side, I did win that 'Who's Got the Best Password' contest on AOL last week.

* * *

Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch!

* * *

You know you're a geek when... You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor.

* * *

The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.

* * *

Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]

* * *

In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?

* * *

What does the Start button do — isn't the computer already running?

* * *

There is no place like 127.0.0.1.

* * *

Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.

* * *

A web designer calls the police:
- Help! My car disappeared!
- Is that you again? Don't worry, your car didn't disappear. When will you learn that 404 is your license plate number?

* * *

- How did he get you interested in him?
The wife:
- He kept boasting about his hard drive.

* * *

One programmer to another:
- Imagine you have 1,000 bucks; or better a round number — imagine you have 1,024 bucks.

* * *

A kindergarten teacher asks Dan, a programmer's son:
- Pinoccio was given 3 apples. He ate two. How many apples does he have?
- Did you initialize Pinoccio.apple_count_ to zero?

* * *

I feel like a computer mouse: I am crawling around on the pad and my stomach is turning.

* * * Windows error messages in haiku

* * *

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

* * *

The web sit you seek
cannot be located, but
endless others exist.

* * *

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.

* * *

Windows NT crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.

* * *

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

* * *

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

* * *

I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...

* * *

Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

* * *

Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault.

* * *

The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.

* * *

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy.

* * *

No keyboard present.
Hit F1 to continue.
Zen engineering?

## Physics Jokes

* * * (added October 2014)

Archimedes, Pascal and Newton play hide and seek. Archimedes is the seeker. Pascal hides, but Newton draws a 1-meter square around himself. Archimedes opens his eyes and shouts:
— I see Newton!
— Oh, no! One newton per square meter is the pascal.

* * * (added February 2014)

Quantum entanglement of a pair of socks: As soon as one is designated as the left, the other instantly becomes the right.

* * * (added December 2013)

The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.

* * * (added December 2013)

A woman walks in on her husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman. He shouts, "I can explain everything!"

* * *

A hydrogen atom says to the bartender, "Hey buddy, have you seen an electron around here? I seem to have lost mine."
"Are you sure you lost it?" the bartender asks.
And the hydrogen atom answers, "I'm positive!"

* * *

Heisenberg gets stopped on the motorway by the police.
Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going sir?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am."

* * *

To which the photon replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."

## Dirty Math Jokes

* * * (added November 2021)

What is the similarity between me and an experiment involving a biased coin with two tails?
The probability of getting a head is zero.

* * * (added October 2014)

A girl to her mathematician boyfriend:
— Let's do something that is forbidden tonight.
— Divide by zero?

* * * (added October 2014)

What a pleasure to smoke an e-cigarette after cybersex...

### How do they do it

• Algebraic geometers do it for variety.
• Algebraists do it in fields.
• Algebraists do it in groups.
• Analysts do it continuously.
• Analysts do it smoothly.
• Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation.
• AI researchers have tried to do it since the 60's but haven't yet succeeded.
• Astrophysicists do it in the dark.
• Bankers do it with interest. Penalty for early withdrawal.
• Bayesians do it conditionally.
• C++ programmers do it with class.
• C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
• Chemists do it periodically on table.
• Classical geometers do it on a plane.
• Combinatorialists do it discretely.
• Combinatorialists do it as many ways as they can.
• Commutative algebraists do it regularly.
• Complex analysts do it between the sheets.
• Complex analysts do it under a universal cover.
• Computer scientists do it by brute force.
• Computer scientists do it depth first.
• Computer scientists do it with objects.
• Computer scientists do it in their classes.
• Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes.
• Cryptographers do it securely.
• Cryptographers do it with zero-knowledge.
• Cryptographers do it secretly.
• Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
• Functional analysts do it with compact support.
• Geometers do it at different angles.
• Group theorists do it simply.
• Heisenberg might have slept here.
• Large cardinals do it inaccessibly.
• Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors.
• Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently.
• (Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
• Markov does it in chains.
• Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results.
• Mathematicians have to prove they did it.
• Mathematicians do not do it. They leave it as an exercise to the reader.
• Measure theorists do it almost everywhere.
• Moebius always does it on the same side.
• Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
• Probabilists do it on random walks.
• Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
• Real analysts do it for real.
• Statisticians probably do it.
• Statisticians would like to do it with the population, but only get a small sample.
• Topologists do it with a cup, that is, with a doughnut.
• Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.

* * * (added July 2011)

My son will be a hacker. He started his career before he was born: he found a flaw in the condom.

* * * (added July 2011)

Mary's mom failed arithmetic. Actually, that is why Mary was born.

* * * (added August 2010)

What's 69 + 69?
Dinner for four.

* * * (added July 2010)

* * * (added July 2010)

Yesterday I was at an Internet cafe when my server went down on me.

* * * (added April 2010)

Question: What is the square root of 69?

* * *

What is so special about 6.9?
It is 69 ruined by a period.

* * *

I think that sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

* * *

I wish I were your problem set, because then I'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk.

* * *

Statistics show that teenage pregnancies drop off significantly after age 25.

* * *

Love is a strange kind of mathematics: one moment of carelessness and 1 + 1 = 3.

* * *

Top Ten Things That Math and Sex Have in Common
10. Explicit discussions of either topic is a faux pas at most cocktail parties.
9. Historically, men have been in control, but there are now efforts to get women more involved.
8. There are many joint results.
7. Both are prominent on college campuses, and are usually practiced indoors.
6. Most people wish they knew more about both subjects.
5. Both involve long and hard problems, and can produce interesting topology and geometry.
4. Both merit undivided attention, but mathematicians are prone to think about one while doing the other.
3. Saint Augustine was hostile to both, and Alan Turing took an unusual approach to both.
2. Both typically begin with a lot of hard work and end with a great but brief reward.
1. Professionals are generally viewed with suspicion, and most do not earn high pay.

* * *

Math is like love — a simple idea but it can get complicated.

* * *

She was only a mathematician's daughter, and she sure learned how to multiply using square roots.

* * *

Freud's nightmare: Mobius's phallus.

* * *

Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

* * *

Math Problem:
A mother is 21 years older than her son. In 6 years she will be 5 times as old as her son. Where is the father?

• Back to Tanya Khovanova's welcome page
• Send mail to: Tanya Khovanova
tanyakh@yahoo.com
• Most of the jokes were collected from all over the world